What a month and a holiday weekend can do...

The long holiday weekend here in the US is really over, regular life is settling back in along with the rush-hour traffic. Did you have a good weekend? - I hope you did! Mine was a mixture of some good and some bad (but hey, that is life as always, right?)

The Good: Extra time off from work. The day job had a company event on Thursday, so no real working that day, then Friday we only had to work for half the day. Off on Monday for Memorial Day. Always good to have some time off from the j-o-b... Made for what seemed a nice chunk of time away from the work stress :)

The Bad: Allergy season from Hell is still in effect, we're having a bad one here in the Bay Area this year. Eyes are so itchy and sometimes feel like I'm breathing through mud. Like maybe walking through mud too, because it's damn tiring, battling these allergens!

The Good: 5 new paintings now completed that I'm really happy with. Yay! These were part of my Dozen Painting Self-Challenge, and I think that 5 strong pieces out of 12 is a really good ratio (especially considering that 3 are still unfinished, and just might stay that way).

So. I committed to a making a dozen small paintings in a month. How did that turn out?

Well, I spent a little more than a month working on them actually, and as I mentioned before I didn't exaclty finish. But, I did learn a lot, which is exactly what I was hoping for.

The interesting thing about this little challenge / experiment is that it somehow allowed me to try lots of things that I ordinarily wouldn't have, for fear that it wouldn't work out and I'd ruin what I was working on. Counterintuitive perhaps, because you would think - wouldn't you? - that needing a certain number of painting completed would make you try even harder not to mess any up? But, I found that having multiple (and I do mean multiple) pieces in progress at the same time somehow freed me to be more experimental than normal. Because hey, if this one doesn't work out, there are still 4 or 7 others that I'm working on too, so it'll all be ok.

Another thing I discovered is the style that my work is evolving into. For example, I like to have a lot going on in a piece, throughout the canvas, and not have everything in the background fade away to highlight one solitary focal point. I like to give the viewer something to see wherever their eyes may wander across the canvas. I mean, I knew I really wasn't a minimalist at heart, much as I can appreciate that aesthetic, but I was surprised at just how busy I like my compositions to be.

I wanted to share some pictures with you, but the ones I took the other day were blurry. Photography skills definitely need some improvement here! But you can see two of my favorites in my last post. I'll be back in a couple of days with more lessons learned during this last month of painting, and more pictures of these colorful creations!

On Seeking Commitment - Part 2

Last week I posted about my procrastination habit and some of my frustrations over it.  I asked myself some questions: So why is it that I continually fail to commit fully to my dream? Is it because I don't like the circumstances under which I must carry forth determination? Why am I still seeking that which I should already have? I am still trying to answer these. I think I have been avoiding them for a very long time in my life, and it is entirely possible that I will be struggling with the for a long time to come. I mean, I really hope not, but hopefully acknowledging this struggle is the first step to overcoming it.

Well, darn it. I was hoping that with a few days of thought, it would all solve itself, I could come back here and tell you that I have the answer figured out & all wrapped up in a pretty bow. Well, not really, I'm not silly enough to think problems solve themselves. I sure tend to hope they will though, every time. I guess life just keeps telling me "No, think again." But I can share with you one mini-realization that I had last week:
I noticed that the larger a task is, the larger my resistance. However if I break it down into small steps - and I mean miniscule, 5-minute "micro-actions" - it helps me to get over the block. Sometimes this very no-pressure way of starting the task, is so easy that I continue and get much farther through the work. Like getting the ball rolling, I suppose. It helped on this post, it helped when I was working on that inspiration board. Heck it even helps for doing my taxes (filling in the forms just a few questions at a time, going back to finish on another day). Yes, I'm talking tiny, tiny steps here.

In a comment to one of my earlier posts, the lovely Vineeta shared the following quote, "And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."-Anais Nin. It seems that this is more & more true as time goes by! It hurts more with each passing milestone date. Like my birthday which was this past Saturday (I don't like my new age so let's just move on ok?) Where New Year's always fills me with hope for what I can accomplish, my birthday always reminds me of what I haven't accomplished yet. I am guessing this also has something to do with why I get stuck?

Ok, I think I've rambled quite enough here for now. I'm sure I'll be bringing this up again, I just ordered a book called Inner Productivity that I'm hoping will help me get over my issue. Thanks for sticking around to read this, if you've gotten this far!

On Seeking Commitment

I was just reading an article on tinybuddha about the things that hold us back from our dreams. This part really stood out for me:

But if you don’t know what you’re committed to, you can’t possibly progress. A great start is to ask yourself, “What is the one thing that would upset me if, at the end of my life, I do not attempt, do, or complete?”....If there’s an immediate answer, you must commit to that.

The reason why this gave me pause, is because I asked myself this question a year and a half ago, and I got my answer. There is one thing that if I were on my deathbed I would not be able to forgive myself for never attempting, and that is making art. Not the kind of dabblings that I've been doing in my free time - I want the opportunity to immerse myself in art making, expand my abilities and develop my style. I want a lengthy chunk of time to dedicate myself to the process and to have a converation with the work.


And so I know what I want, and yet I am still blocked. It is incredibly frustrating that I still have to deal with the realities of the world, making a living and all the mundane aspects of life, when all I want to do is lock myself and my supplies into a studio for the next 6 months. Just to see what I'd be able to do. Whether or not I fail, or can create anything meaningful. I just want the chance!


So why is it that I continually fail to commit fully to my dream? Is it because I don't like the circumstances under which I must carry forth determination? Why am I still seeking that which I should already have? These are the questions I'm asking myself.... And I need to stop avoiding them.


This is part one of a two-part posting - I intend to come back (with my answers to the above questions!) next week, so stay tuned. In the meantime, please feel free to share your feelings about commitment or progress here in the comments... I'm fascinated by people how people overcome their stumbling blocks... maybe we can encourage each other!


Photo above from Studio Antwan on flickr