Grand Reopening Coming Soon

I've been on hiatus for an extended period of time, with my store on Etsy closed since the holidays (and this blog here has been silent for even longer than that). But I'm happy to announce that will soon be changing!

I'm back in the studio, working on some small-scale paintings. As well as trying to finish up some work that's been unfinished for awhile. And soon as these are ready for the public I'll be reopening the store (click here to get on the notification list for when that happens!) I'll also be blogging about getting ready for the grand reopening so you can catch the news here too. Oh, and also blogging about the painting process & progress, and what it's like getting back into art after a time away. And what made me set this all aside for so long.

This is not without some trepidation, of course. I'm nervous to get back in the swing of things, or not, as I'm more afraid will happen. Nervous that I'll fail and run away from it again. But you know what, I'll definitely fail if I don't try, and that's what I'm focusing on. So hang around folks, because I'm working on a comeback.

Speak out against censorship

Help stop SOPA & PIPA


There’s legislation being worked on in Congress, two similar bills known as SOPA and PIPA, which claim to stop theft of copyrighted materials by drastically altering the internet and the rights of US citizens.

Under these laws if passed, an accusation of copyright infringement against one posting on a site will get the entire site shut down. Without proof, without investigation, without warning, without the chance for defense or correction. This in not only unconstitutional but anti-constitutional. This gives a good-sized foothold for dismantling our right to due process under the law, not to mention throws “innocent until proven guilty” on its head & out the window.

As an artist, I am wholeheartedly for copyright laws and protection of intellectual property. As a person of good conscience, I am against laws that take our freedoms away by claiming to fight problems that are already being dealt with by existing laws.

Make no mistake: this will do little to end piracy – copyright violators will find other avenues to get around these blocks. But it will hurt innocent people & our freedom.

But don’t take my word for it – check out this infographic on how SOPA and PIPA will work to censor the internet.

I urge you to find out more about these laws, and take action to let your Congressperson know where you stand. And if you’re not in the US but are concerned how the enactment of US law could affect the global web & global economy, you can write to the US State Department. Tools to contact Congress and the State Department are located at the Stop American Censorship website.
Join Google in fighting these laws by signing the petition at Google's Take Action page.


If these laws are passed, what freedom will the lawmakers try to dismantle next? Where will it end?

(Turning over a new leaf) - New Website!

Hi everyone,

I've got some news that I'm excited about - I've just launched a website! I built it to showcase my artwork and I'd love to have you visit. Please take a look at www.atthestudiodoor.com and don't be afraid to let me know what you think!

I also plan to start blogging more frequently soon, which I'll still be doing here. So stay tuned for more from me in the near future. Hope you're having a lovely autumn so far!

Summer please don't leave yet!

The weather will be changing soon.... I had hoped to spend some time at the beach this weekend soaking up some of the last of summer, but my plans were cancelled, so I suppose I'll have to content myself with lovely photos & artwork of beachy beauty that I've been scoping out lately on Etsy and Pinterest.

I think you could probably say I'm addicted to Pinterest, because once I'm on the site I could repin stuff for hours... here are some great beach links I added to my board "Beaches are my happy place":

No idea yet if we here in the SF Bay Area will get an Indian Summer this year. Yesterday I was still running the a/c all day, but this morning there were a few raindrops and so far the rest of the day has been mild so who knows. I always love it because I hate to see it go, really I could live with summer all year round. Maybe someday I'll move to a place where there's not much of a winter at all. (btw Wikipedia says that the term Indian Summer means different things in different regions, go figure!)

Here are some lovely Etsy finds (and my first treasury, what do you think of this collection?)

'Summer's Last Hurrah' by atthestudiodoor

summer is always over far too soon for me... i wish it could last forever...

Goodbye - 10x10 Fine Ar... judemcconkey $30.00	Summer Love - set of 9 ... SusannahTucker $140.00	Striped Cotton Canvas B... LadyAlamo $30.00	Memories of Summer. Ha... JustTara $17.00
Baby. Infant. Dress. Su... babywearing $39.39	Laguna Beach photograph... zuppaartista $17.00	Formal Dress Sexy Chiff... myuniverse $38.00	Summer Hammock by Sandy... eyeshuttertofo... $18.00
Original Acrylic Abstra... Crossfire322 $20.00	Glisten-Original Signed... kimberlyblok $25.00	Large Original Painting... hilariagalleri... $150.00	Lost at Sea (the good w... dannyphillipsa... $150.00
Summer Maxi Dress Organ... SoulRole $130.00	Lazy Day - Original Fab... shellieartist $35.00	Sunset Photo "Good... SSCphotography $20.00	End of summer SALE - f... JennDiggs $27.00

Treasury tool by Red Row Studio.

The beach is my happy place...

... yes, seriously the beach - any beach - is my happy place. I don't even have to be there, just looking at a photo featuring blue water and golden sands will chill me out. And believe me, this girl needs lots of chillin'-out time.

For my birthday this year I bought myself a fancy, overpriced, not-quite-as-good-as-a-DSLR camera. And I still haven't learned all the bells & whistles, but it does have a "pinhole"setting that makes any snap look instantly more professional. Which is good because as much as I admire photography I am not all that great at it.

These pics were taken at Capitola (a cool beach town in California just south of Santa Cruz). Doesn't the pinhole effect make these look lovely?

Reverb10: Wherein I only tangentially reference prompt #19 (Healing)

This should have been posted days ago. I wrote this in my journal the same day the prompt was delivered, and it took me a week to get it typed up. Because things really have been like that lately. This month has all been a blur to me.

And when I say that, I don't actually mean December, I mean the last 6 weeks or so that melded into an endless rush. Even downtime does not slow the feeling of accelerated time. The busiest weeks of the year for me at my dayjob - the second half of November through most of December - what are supposed to be happy, jolly, focused on communities, relationships, the people you love, and giving. And I didn't have enough space to focus on any of that.

All that I could do was swim through the torrent of work. 8 hours a day of extreme multi-tasking. No mind-breaks. Instant transitioning from one problem-solving to the next. My brain on overload, maybe even getting whiplash.

Oh yes, there was giving. Of work delegated to me, on top of the already-insane year-end deadlines. Racing to get everything done. Too much multitasking, too much data, my brain is mush. Just trying to gain a sense of rest, trying to rebalance, during my time off work. Forget about Christmas shopping or sending out holiday cards, everything left to the last minute or crossed off the list entirely. Skip this year - maybe the next. Perhaps at this time next year, I'll be in a different job.... Please, oh please let me not be in the same dysfunctional workspace next holiday season, so that I can actually enjoy it.

So yes. Healing. All my downtime for weeks, just trying to heal from the crazy-busy-ness.

And what I'd like to heal in 2011: Disorganized panic.

Mind-calming techniques. Perhaps meditation, in my own way. Not numbing myself so that I don't have to think about stuff, but working it out.

I can't always work stuff out with words, maybe my mind just doesn't work that way. That's one of the reasons behind my lack of posting during #Reverb10 (other reasons were mentioned before). Writing about stuff not being the way I can heal while I'm under the pressure, that is. Sometimes I just need to work things out in other ways, maybe that is why I'm so drawn to art. Color, form, combining and shifting - all get my mind into another state where answers can work themselves out in my subconscious. At this crazy time of year, with work deadlines, holidays, and my brain in some prolonged panic-attack state, what I've chose to do the last couple of weeks instead of write has been to quilt.

Yeah, you read right. I started making a quilt three weeks ago. Choosing the fabrics, pure delight for my mind. Getting lost in the colors & patterns - meditation.

Cutting the shapes. Arranging them together. Seeing the way colors & patterns & shapes vibrate next to each other - meditation.

Sewing the pieces together. Ironing them back flat. Placing the new larger squares side by side, seeing how the building of shape upon shape creates a whole new piece. The creating, the building, a metaphor. Sometimes, I want to build a whole new everything.

Photo credit: Christmas Lights by WH-B on flickr

Reverb10: Where's The Bounce?

Bounce, get it? When a sound bounces around in echoes (a reverberation)? Because it's been rather quiet around here even though I'm supposed to be writing daily.

I mentioned in my last post, and it's still going on - I'm just not connecting with the prompts for this year's #Reverb10. Maybe it's because the past couple of weeks have been brutally busy at my day job. By the time I get home, I just don't wanna think too much. Maybe it's because last year's introspective prompts were broken up by ones that were lighter & fun, and this year seems to be all instrospection. Not just regular instrospection, but the I could work on this answer for hours kind of introspection.

Not fun.

Which I know is what this challenge should be! Opening up, sharing and reading posts by other Reverbers. But that's not what I'm doing. And my Plan B of posting several responses together is just not working - I've already accumulated too many un-responded-to prompts in my inbox, just sitting there glaring at me (or so it feels). So, what to do?

I don't want to completely give up this challenge. I don't want to respond to prompts that I'm not feeling connection with, or that I don't have the right mindframe to write a decent & thoughtful response to. I don't want to push myself when it's not in me right now. And I don't need to make myself feel guilty about my limits - everyone has limits and they can change daily, these just happen to be the limits I'm currently operating under.

What I can do is post when I can, using a prompt if I feel inclined, or making up my own prompt if that's what I'd rather do. And I can squirrel away the prompts I haven't responded to, hopefully to spur me on for later posts. So I may be Reverbing well into the next year still. And that's ok.

Also, not sure if Reverbers and Reverbing are real words. I may have just made them up. That's ok too!


Photo credit: Jump! by Enid Yu on Flickr

Weekend Reverb Rush to Catch Up

Yikes there are 3 days of #reverb10 prompts to catch up on, four if you count tomorrow's (which just landed in my inbox), and I'm not really feeling any of them. Maybe because I'm just feeling rather blah in general this weekend? Anyhow, below is a mad dash to catch up. I feel I might get snarky with these responses.

Day 3 - Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe in vivid detail.

See, now this prompt just makes me feel sad. Because either my memory really sucks that I can't remember a whole lot of moments like that in this past year, or there really haven't been that many. I'm thinking it's the latter. Sure there have been some good times. But that feeling the prompt is referring to? I've felt that truly alive feeling, the one that's different than the normal happy feeling, and it doesn't show up in recent memory.

I think we can all use more moments in our lives where we feel truly alive.

Day 4 - How did you cultivate a sense of wonder this year?

Well, I didn't. Thanks for reminding me.

Isn't this the kind of thing tat you have to intentionally set yourself to achieving? Like, you know, in advance? I'm not gonna lie and apply some bs in retrospect to make it sound like that was something I did. Nope, that's not something I intended to do. Perhaps I may have thought of it, if I wasn't so preoccupied with trying to not let my dreams slip by me for another year.

What I did set my mind to doing this year, was to start sharing and selling my artwork with the world. Which I did. Months later than I'd intended, but I finally did. And honestly it's pretty difficult for me to be proud of myself for actually achieving this rather than berating myself for taking so long.

My take: Everyone is in different place in their lives. Not everyone goes through the same stages in their progression through life. We all have our own paths and struggles.

Day 5: What, or whom, did you let go of this year? Why?

I've tried to let go of my fear of visibility, of letting others see the real me - my hopes and dreams, my artwork, stuff that really means something to me. This is still a work in progress. It's like whittling away the layers of a really thick barrier I've put up. I've thinned the barrier in a couple of places, but I've got a long way to go still.

There are other things I'd love to let go of. My day job, for one! (anyone with me on this one?) My morning dependence on coffee. The extra inches around my middle. The way that I'll push someone away when I feel vulnerable. Some other fears. Again, I'm still a work in progress.

And that's why I'm participating in this writing project, even with the prompts I dislike, because I want that progress. It was tempting not to answer a couple of them. But I've been down that road of not engaging with the things I'd rather not deal with, and I know that doesn't lead to anywhere I want to go.

So, I keep trying.

Photo credit: Rush Hour by Susan Sermoneta (Susan NYC on Flickr)

Reverb10: Why lack of time is not the real problem. It's brain fog.

At first I didn't really think today's Reverb prompt was meant for me. "What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?"  I don't really consider myself to be a writer despite this blog. My reaction was, I'm an artist. What gets in the way of my painting is much more important than the writing. But then I realized that this prompt was from the Zen Habits guy, and since Leo's pretty smart, maybe I should see where this answer would lead me.

Which was here: Brain fog. All the clutter in my brain that makes it hard to think sometimes. Maybe more often than sometimes. That makes me want to not think.

And even though I sometimes feel the brain fog clear when I write, this clarity doesn't happen always, or even half the time. So even though it would be cool to say "the problem and the solution are one and the same!" - no. I don't get off that easily. This is not a closed circuit.

The largest factor in my resistance to writing is my perceived lack of time. Whenever I've tried writing-every-day challenges, it's great at first, and I can feel my load being lightened, however slightly. But, it never lasts. And that is because during the challenge I've put off other things in order to make time for writing. And the putting-things-off is not a long-term solution. And I eventually freak out over the stuff on the back burner. About not getting a million and one things accomplished. About not having unlimited hours in a day.

I know what you're thinking: But you said "brain fog" was the problem, and here you're talking about time.

True, I did say that. And here's why.

What happens when I think there's not enough time, is my brain starts to fog up. Too much of my memory gets taken up by trying to hold in my head little bits & pieces of info about the things I want to get done. Remember! You have to do this! And that! Hurry, so you don't forget! And I can see that clearly not all of this is going to happen in one day. Heck, it might not even happen in one month. And then my brain kind of...freezes. I get stuck. I can't decide what to do first. I can't figure out what actions will have the best immediate effects, or longer lasting effects, or set up the next actions to be more efficient, and which of these things are more important. And so what fills my head is omg, what am I gonna do, this isn't working. And, fog. No clarity. This is not the kind of mental state best suited to creating anything, be it writing, painting, or even cooking dinner. Oh no! Because I can't afford that kind of time when there are all these things to do!

So no, it's not the limited nature of time that is my problem, but in how I react to that limitedness.

Which is by freezing into a big foggy block of stuck.

And this is not limited to writing, it applies to pretty much everything. Which suddenly make so much sense. So, a big thank you to Leo Babauta, the author of today's #reverb10 prompt, for posing a question about one thing that sneakily allows me to find the answer to so many things I've been struggling with.
 
And you know what I think will help to eliminate this? Awareness of what's going on inside my head when I'm like this. It's not going to get me all the way there, but you can't fix a problem until you know it exists. This is something I will need to mull over more. Perhaps with a mug of cocoa.
 
Photo credit: AM Fog by Peter Roome (lakewentworth on Flickr)

Reverb10: One Word

My oh my, what have I gotten myself into? Committed to a daily writing project that already has me stumped, that's what! Narrowing things down has never been my strong suit. Ask my what's my favorite, I'll tell you two or three. Ask me for a top ten list, I'll throw in a few extra for good measure.

Reflecting back on this past year, what one word encompasses my experience? It's certainly been different than I had planned. This was the year I was going to force myself to march toward my dreams, which I rebelled against (naturally) and went back to taking very...slow...baby steps.

But you know what? Those baby steps were progress. Maybe not the rapid progress I wanted, but perhaps I was not yet ready for such large changes. However, I do have the feeling, that the changes I want are closer than they've ever been before. And that they're easier to come to grips with when approached slowly the way I've been doing, so as to not frighten me away. So perhaps this was a good thing. Yes, a very good thing.

So, if I have to narrow it down to just one word, 2010 was incubation. And my hope is that 2011 will be an unfolding.

And with an eye even further down the line, my sincere hope is that 2012 will be fruition. And yes, I just had to throw in something extra!

Photo credit: This lovely photo of a butterfly just emerged from its cocoon, wings still unfurling, is The Future Unfolding by valkrye131 on Flickr

How to lose a month of time?

Apparently, it's by getting deeply involved in something. Spending massive amounts of free time obsessively reading all you can about how to set up and market an online store (ok, so this is my example, but I'm sure you have all experienced something like this too? Or am I all alone here?)

So, the end of the year is creeping closer & closer and I for one cannot wait for the new year. If only because it means that all the year-end madness at my day job will be over at that point. And also thinking about the plans I made at the beginning of this year, which have taken me so long to get working on, and I'm really wanting to make the next year better.

While writing up this post, I snuck over to Gwen Bell's blog to see if she's doing another year-in-review meme like last year (you can see all my #best09 posts here), and YES of course she is doing it again, but in a much bigger way this year! This time it's called Reverb10, it starts this Wednesday (Dec 1), and looks to be awesome. I just signed up & will try my hardest to participate every day this time around, even if all I can manage is a little one-liner on some days. We'll see, this is a hard time of year since I'm always exhausted from the j-o-b. But I am very much looking forward to reflecting, reminding myself of the good that came out of the past year, and planting some seeds for next year. Maybe finding some more doorways to walk through in 2011.

So, tell me: Are you looking forward to the rest of the holiday season & the new year to come? Who out there is already planning what their next new year's resolutions will be? And if you're also joining #reverb10, let me know so I can read your posts!

I'm on Etsy. And building a newsletter. And facing my fears.

If you’ve read the comments on this post this week, you’ll know that I opened up a store on Etsy recently. Yes, that’s right! I finally did it! To be honest, it’s something I’ve thought of doing ever since I heard of Etsy – oh, for about three or four years now. So this feels like something that I’ve been extremely slow in achieving. I’ve had a lot of excuses for procrastinating. And I think what finally got me over some of the fear surrounding this was realizing that this is not about getting validation or trying to craft my artwork or store in such a way that everyone will find something to like - it's really about finding those few people who will love it.

And you know what? For all the worry, indecisiveness, and doubt, in the end it wasn’t difficult to do at all. And though I’m taking my time with it, and haven’t even really delved into the great community there yet, it feels right. And fun!

So, if I were to offer any advice to someone sitting on the fence rather than taking just one step closer to their dreams, I would say this – Do it! Even if it feels like there's a huge barrier in the way. There's a quote that I wish I could find again, it says something along the lines of  "Those aren't barriers you're seeing - they're gates." It’s like walking through a doorway into a larger room, one filled with more possibilities. Opening my etsy store leaves me standing in a sea of others reaching for similar dreams as mine. I’m still standing way back at the edges of the crowd, and not many people have noticed me there yet, but at least I’m in the room. And that's a lot closer than I was before.
So if you wanna see what I've worked so hard on the last month, you can check out my Etsy store here. If you liked this post at all, it would be an enormous favor to me if you could share it with others (virtual hugs to anyone who does this. Let me know if you do!)  And, if you’d consider signing up for my newsletter, I’m planning to send out my first one by November 15. It will include some pics of my artwork, snapshots from my studio, and a holiday discount on items in my shop! You can sign up on the web form or the little box over to the right.

San Jose Bike Party

Tonight there is a party of bicycling proportions going on in my town. It's the Ride of the Living Dead, people! I had no idea there was a community group of bicyclers getting together for rides around the city until I heard and saw a parade's-worth of bikes going past my place. So good to see that there are some people actually coming together and doing something as a group around here for a change.

San Jose Bike Party's mission is to "build community through bicycling" - community being something that we seriously lack in this large city. Sure, we have a ton of art & wine festivals in the Bay Area, but most people go for the alcohol, not the art or the cameraderie. As for these bike rides, I'm glad to see we're doin' it better than the other big city around here. Yes, San Francisco, I am talking about you & your Critical Mass rides with a history of violence.

It sounds like all the riders are having fun out there. Maybe the next time they have a Bike Party, I can gather a few of my friends to join in!

Changes and a Clarification

You may have noticed that the design of this blog is a little different today! Yep that's right I finally got around to giving it a little makeover today. What do you think? The new header is from one of my paintings, and I'm actually working on something with my art right now that I'm a little scared/excited about. No, it's not quite ready for you yet - but if you sign up for my new email newsletter (over to the right below my little profile), you'll be one of the first to find out when it is! You do want to be one of the first, don't you??

Speaking of scary/exciting things, I read this post on Ittybiz a few days ago and thought I'd give her challenge a whirl. She asked her readers to answer, in her words, "a very scary question: What do you do?" Well guess what Naomi, that is a scary question, even for those who aren't making a living doing with their own business. Maybe particularly for those who'd like to be, but aren't yet. I know I sure as hell would like to be making a living from doing My Work, and I've been stumbling all over myself all year trying to make that happen in a very slow, painful way. Painful, because if there's ever a day when that is my reality, I'd like that day to hurry up please.

Just to clarify, when I say My Work, I'm talking about creativity, artwork, listening to the muse, all that stuff, does that make sense? I am not talking about a job or the work I do while "at work" - what I have been calling my "day job" in my mind for awhile now. And I'm not entirely sure what all it would entail to make a living with my creativity, maybe hopefully something fabulous that I haven't even considered yet. All I can see at this moment is the next logical step, and that is all I can work on right now.

So, yes. What I want to do is to make a living through making art. And my art is not something I've shared all that much with people, and I'm not sure if anyone would even like my art. Which is a very, very scary thing to doubt. Just writing this makes me feel vulnerable, and that's a very uncomfortable feeling. So, I'm trying to write about it here when I can, to get more comfortable with the vulnerability. And perhaps I will write my answers to the rest of Naomi's questions in my next post, as a way to practice that getting-comfortable which I need

Fall is around the corner and how did time fly by so fast?

Hey there - yes, I'm still around! I've been working on a new series of paintings lately, that I'm excited to show you. Between doing that, making some changes around the house - and going to work and doing some other not-so-happy things - I haven't had time to sit down and write. I have been meaning to though, and have lots to share soon.

For the time being though, I wanted to give you a sneak peak into what's been going on in my little art studio, can you guess what I'm up to? Some of those new paintings I hinted at are here, can you guess which ones they are?

That's all for now, but I'll be back soon. Tell me, what have you been up to lately, during this time of transition into a new season, new school year, etc.?

dear ada

Last month I found out that one of my favoritest blogs ever, dear ada, was, sadly, posting it's last post. Sadly for me, that is, since this gem of a blog has been such an inspiration to me over the last few years. It really was my introduction to the world of art-on-the-internet, to this fabulous community that has spread out and has been changing the way artists make their names, reputations and careers, and share their work with others, and also in the way that the average person is now able to be an art lover and follower and instantaneously see works they'd ordinarily not have access to. This was the first time that I realized that the game is changing for artists, and gave me hope with my burgeoning desire to return to art myself, the idea that maybe I didn't have to go back to school to get a degree and toil for years as a starving artist hoping to someday gain gallery reputation, so as to be a "real artist".

The thing that kept me coming back to dear ada, time and again, was the way that Birdie accompanied each post with the sweetest, most genuine and encouraging words for each artist she featured on her blog. For example when she says things like, Hello reason for heart to sing. Hello wonderful art... How can you not love someone who says this!?  She shared wonderful work that really expanded my perception of art. I would often follow links to the artist's gallery pages and marvel at their work for hours. Birdie is moving on to pursue her own art again, the inspiration she shared with the world these past 5 years having inspired herself! I wish Birdie all the luck in the world, and, I will truly miss her. Her goodbye post is sprinkled with pictures of some beautiful artwork that I believe is her own, and not to be missed because it is really lovely.

I just found out that she's decided to keep things going over on tumblr, I'm so glad that she'll still be sharing her discoveries! And the dear ada blog appears to be left up as an archive for the time being, so you can visit if you've missed out on all her goodies through the years.

Here is a roundup of some of my favorite dear ada posts, just a quick roundup because there are so, so many artworks she featured that I absolutely adored!

Ian O'Phelan, whose photo below I cannot stop thinking about, what I wouldn't give to design a textile like this one!

Raymond Saunders, whose portfolio I drooled over for for at least an hour after seeing him on dear ada!

Jennifer Bain and her beautiful monotype collages.

Fiona Watson, who makes the coolest, most interesting, now-why-didn't-I-think-of-that assemblages that she then photographs and posts on flickr.

And finally, because I really just can't help myself, several collage artist whos work I'm all jealous of and wish their work was in my own portfolio: fred free, anna wolf, tods2tods here and here, peter kupas, elad lassry, waterhalo here and here, katy murphy, and silvia cordero vega.

So many things to do. Not knowing what to do.

Do you know that feeling? Having so many ideas, so many things in progress, so many things nagging at the back of your minds that you need to find time to do someday, a total abundance of things to do. And not being able to pick one? Which one is the best thing to work on now, in this moment? How to choose??? This scenario stops me every time. Makes it hard to step away from the computer to get to work. Makes me want to clean my apartment, which I hate doing, to avoid the choosing. Sometimes even makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning.

Even with an extra day in which to get stuff done. Today, thanks to my back (bad back!), I'm at home and therefore have another day away from the job in which to get my personal stuff done. Do you think I've done anything yet? It's a little after noon and so far all I've done is sleep in really late and catch up on one of my favorite blogs. Oh, and run my little brain around in circles trying to decide what to do with this extra free time. Sometimes it makes me wonder: the workaholic syndrome we seem to have here in the U.S., could it be because people know what to do at their jobs, and by continually rerouting their focus to work they can avoid the things in their personal lives they don't know how to deal with?

Wonderings aside, since that's not really what I came here to say - Yes, there are lots of things I want to work on today. I just can't seem to get to them, and this has been going on for a couple of weekends now. (I'm not counting the weekday evenings, because I'm often so exhausted after the job that I'm completely ineffective in my personal life.) So much I want to do: the new artworks I have ideas for, the works already in progress that I need to finish, the organizational things I want to do to get my act together, the plans for opening an etsy store that I need to work on, the half-drafted blog posts that I haven't finished, all these things that are just vague ideas flitting around in my head that I need to grab onto and get to work on. Like all these things are on one side of the river, and I'm on the other, thinking that it's too difficult to get to the other side (even though I have this suspicion that the way across is quick and so obvious that I can't even see it. It is obvious, isn't it?)

moving forward with each tiny step

Did you happen to read my last post? Yes, the one that I was in such a rush to write that I didn't even give it a title? If not, please read it now... I really did hit that publish button and close the browser window as quickly as I could, my heart racing just a little bit... Learning to take definitive action and not overthink things to death all the time! But in baby steps.

That action-taking is definitely something that I struggle with, that I need to work on actually doing more often. This is, I know, one of the major stumbling blocks I have to getting myself where I want to be.

I tend to work better under a deadline. Not that I like being under a deadline, mind you - I'd rather not have all that stress, my anxiety meter goes off the charts way too quickly to be comfortable working under the gun, so to speak, but I can't deny it's power as a motivator. Nothing like lighting a fire under my ass to actually get me off my procrastinating behind. I should probably look for a better way to motivate myself that's kinder to my nervous system, maybe by using one of Havi's techniques?

In lieu of any self-imposed deadlines, I haven't been painting much lately. Or collaging, at all. Until last week that is, when I was scrambling for a birthday present to give my mom, and I decided 3 days before the day to paint her something! An impossible task? Nearly so, I managed to finish a seascape for her (not in time for the day we celebrated her birthday, but it was in her hands before the actual day). And these pictures are it! Here's the finished piece, a 6 inch x 12 inch acrylic on panel:

I got so into this painting that I didn't want it to be done - so I carried the theme over to a mini-panel, this one is a tiny 3 inch x 3 inch piece. And I have lots of ideas floating around in my head for a series of paintings based on the lines in this one. Time permitting... and a fire to keep me going!

I'm gonna just say it here, I know bloggers are not really supposed to apologize for their lack of posts (because it's boring and nobody cares, etc.), but I am sorry that I've been so sporadic here with my posts, and even with thanking people for their comments, because that is not why I came to start a blog, after all! I wanted to get better at expressing myself, to find other people out here that I could "click" with, share some of my art and my journey trying to become a more creative person, and it's myself that I am really disappointing here.

Is it ok for me to mention how shy I am in real life? Somehow I thought that online would be easier (protection, right? being semi-invisible and all that). Thought for some reason, that I could talk about my issues without showing any vulnerabilities, like "oh here I had this problem, and I solved it, la-dee-da everything is perfect now". And I really didn't want to be pessimistic here as I am way too pessimistic in real life, and would like to change that - partially by being more positive in my writing here. Except, trying to be this way is actually inhibiting me from wanting to write anything at all.

And you know what? I'm really not doing myself or anybody else any good by trying to hide my imperfections and struggles, am I? Hell, I am shy and quirky and have a strange sense of humor sometimes and I should really own that, shouldn't I? Hey, I also get hurt really easily, have plenty of down days and think that the world could be doing a much better job of being the place where we all spend our days. Not sure where my thoughts are going with that, but it's all a part of what's in me. I am a multi-faceted person, just as I know that everybody out there are multi-faceted people, whether they realize it or not, and show it or not.

So tell me something, because I have this idea that despite all the self-help culture out there, it is still really hard for us to be and to show who we really are to everyone we meet. Tell me, do you find this to be true? Do you know anyone who unapologetically owns who they are, all the facets of their selves? Do you own your me-ness? Do you share the best of your best self only with those people you know really well and trust? Or are you, like me, still just learning who you really are and how to be authentic?

This has all been pretty stream-of-conscious for me, maybe all the journaling I've been doing lately is helping me with that. And so I am just going to post this, without really editing it (ok, other than correcting spelling because I hate to misspell), without giving myself the time to reflect or chicken out of saying anything I've typed out here, I'm gonna just hit Publish and be ok with it, imprefections and all....

I am a work in progress...

And lately I've been trying a little more to figure myself out. Have you heard of the 21.5.800 project started by Bindu Wiles? I'm not sure but I think it's just ended, in fact I heard of it a few days after it started and I've been doing the yoga and daily writing on my own - not online, not following along with anyone else who's participating. I hear people have been twittering it up, but I've been interested in the heart of it, the personal and internal practice of journaling and being aware of one's own movement.

The writing has been whatever was on my mind when I sat down at the page, so it's helped me work through some stuff and also shown me how much I normally avoid the stuff I need to work through. I wonder how many other people have discovered the same thing about themselves? About a week in, this freewriting was bringing up so much of my stuff that I cried every evening for three days straight - tears that have been held back for awhile because my normal modus operandi when upset is to distract myself so I don't have to think about it. Did you know writing it out when you're upset helps you get through the moment? I didn't, but I'm glad to say I know that now.

Maybe at some point some of the things I've written will be brought here to share with you all. Or perhaps new things I write, since I don't intend to stop. The yoga and writing have been cleansing for body and mind - and there is more work for me to do! But for now I'll leave you with a quote from one of Bindu's best posts from her writing for the project:

Let go. Believe in who you really are. Open up. Expand. Start the new chapter–both at the desk and inside your own mind.