Reverb10: Why lack of time is not the real problem. It's brain fog.

At first I didn't really think today's Reverb prompt was meant for me. "What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?"  I don't really consider myself to be a writer despite this blog. My reaction was, I'm an artist. What gets in the way of my painting is much more important than the writing. But then I realized that this prompt was from the Zen Habits guy, and since Leo's pretty smart, maybe I should see where this answer would lead me.

Which was here: Brain fog. All the clutter in my brain that makes it hard to think sometimes. Maybe more often than sometimes. That makes me want to not think.

And even though I sometimes feel the brain fog clear when I write, this clarity doesn't happen always, or even half the time. So even though it would be cool to say "the problem and the solution are one and the same!" - no. I don't get off that easily. This is not a closed circuit.

The largest factor in my resistance to writing is my perceived lack of time. Whenever I've tried writing-every-day challenges, it's great at first, and I can feel my load being lightened, however slightly. But, it never lasts. And that is because during the challenge I've put off other things in order to make time for writing. And the putting-things-off is not a long-term solution. And I eventually freak out over the stuff on the back burner. About not getting a million and one things accomplished. About not having unlimited hours in a day.

I know what you're thinking: But you said "brain fog" was the problem, and here you're talking about time.

True, I did say that. And here's why.

What happens when I think there's not enough time, is my brain starts to fog up. Too much of my memory gets taken up by trying to hold in my head little bits & pieces of info about the things I want to get done. Remember! You have to do this! And that! Hurry, so you don't forget! And I can see that clearly not all of this is going to happen in one day. Heck, it might not even happen in one month. And then my brain kind of...freezes. I get stuck. I can't decide what to do first. I can't figure out what actions will have the best immediate effects, or longer lasting effects, or set up the next actions to be more efficient, and which of these things are more important. And so what fills my head is omg, what am I gonna do, this isn't working. And, fog. No clarity. This is not the kind of mental state best suited to creating anything, be it writing, painting, or even cooking dinner. Oh no! Because I can't afford that kind of time when there are all these things to do!

So no, it's not the limited nature of time that is my problem, but in how I react to that limitedness.

Which is by freezing into a big foggy block of stuck.

And this is not limited to writing, it applies to pretty much everything. Which suddenly make so much sense. So, a big thank you to Leo Babauta, the author of today's #reverb10 prompt, for posing a question about one thing that sneakily allows me to find the answer to so many things I've been struggling with.
 
And you know what I think will help to eliminate this? Awareness of what's going on inside my head when I'm like this. It's not going to get me all the way there, but you can't fix a problem until you know it exists. This is something I will need to mull over more. Perhaps with a mug of cocoa.
 
Photo credit: AM Fog by Peter Roome (lakewentworth on Flickr)

So many things to do. Not knowing what to do.

Do you know that feeling? Having so many ideas, so many things in progress, so many things nagging at the back of your minds that you need to find time to do someday, a total abundance of things to do. And not being able to pick one? Which one is the best thing to work on now, in this moment? How to choose??? This scenario stops me every time. Makes it hard to step away from the computer to get to work. Makes me want to clean my apartment, which I hate doing, to avoid the choosing. Sometimes even makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning.

Even with an extra day in which to get stuff done. Today, thanks to my back (bad back!), I'm at home and therefore have another day away from the job in which to get my personal stuff done. Do you think I've done anything yet? It's a little after noon and so far all I've done is sleep in really late and catch up on one of my favorite blogs. Oh, and run my little brain around in circles trying to decide what to do with this extra free time. Sometimes it makes me wonder: the workaholic syndrome we seem to have here in the U.S., could it be because people know what to do at their jobs, and by continually rerouting their focus to work they can avoid the things in their personal lives they don't know how to deal with?

Wonderings aside, since that's not really what I came here to say - Yes, there are lots of things I want to work on today. I just can't seem to get to them, and this has been going on for a couple of weekends now. (I'm not counting the weekday evenings, because I'm often so exhausted after the job that I'm completely ineffective in my personal life.) So much I want to do: the new artworks I have ideas for, the works already in progress that I need to finish, the organizational things I want to do to get my act together, the plans for opening an etsy store that I need to work on, the half-drafted blog posts that I haven't finished, all these things that are just vague ideas flitting around in my head that I need to grab onto and get to work on. Like all these things are on one side of the river, and I'm on the other, thinking that it's too difficult to get to the other side (even though I have this suspicion that the way across is quick and so obvious that I can't even see it. It is obvious, isn't it?)

moving forward with each tiny step

Did you happen to read my last post? Yes, the one that I was in such a rush to write that I didn't even give it a title? If not, please read it now... I really did hit that publish button and close the browser window as quickly as I could, my heart racing just a little bit... Learning to take definitive action and not overthink things to death all the time! But in baby steps.

That action-taking is definitely something that I struggle with, that I need to work on actually doing more often. This is, I know, one of the major stumbling blocks I have to getting myself where I want to be.

I tend to work better under a deadline. Not that I like being under a deadline, mind you - I'd rather not have all that stress, my anxiety meter goes off the charts way too quickly to be comfortable working under the gun, so to speak, but I can't deny it's power as a motivator. Nothing like lighting a fire under my ass to actually get me off my procrastinating behind. I should probably look for a better way to motivate myself that's kinder to my nervous system, maybe by using one of Havi's techniques?

In lieu of any self-imposed deadlines, I haven't been painting much lately. Or collaging, at all. Until last week that is, when I was scrambling for a birthday present to give my mom, and I decided 3 days before the day to paint her something! An impossible task? Nearly so, I managed to finish a seascape for her (not in time for the day we celebrated her birthday, but it was in her hands before the actual day). And these pictures are it! Here's the finished piece, a 6 inch x 12 inch acrylic on panel:

I got so into this painting that I didn't want it to be done - so I carried the theme over to a mini-panel, this one is a tiny 3 inch x 3 inch piece. And I have lots of ideas floating around in my head for a series of paintings based on the lines in this one. Time permitting... and a fire to keep me going!

Dedication

I've read that if you just show up, every day, the work will get better and the muse will visit. That it's not so much about creating from genius every time, but about being there for the practice. This is extremely difficult for me - I resist any semblance of routine, procrastinate, try to multi-task, drive myself to distraction, and that just ain't cuttin it.

Over the weekend I tried my best to stay off the computer, and focus on what I need to get done instead of surfing blogs and streaming media. It sort of worked, but not all that great. And here I am at home today, fighting off some bug & so I'm not at the j-o-b, and I have the time & opportunity to do some artwork. But I can feel a multitude of distractions calling my name.

So, I need to make myself a few promises today. No, I will not turn on the tv while I'm working. No, I will not run out to the store to "get a couple things" until after I've put in some time working. No, I will not get on the internet until this evening (ok as soon as I put this away). I will do my best to put aside any nagging thoughts of "oh I need to do this", "I should do that",

Let's see how this goes. Will check back in later. Hope everyone has a lovely day!