moving forward with each tiny step

Did you happen to read my last post? Yes, the one that I was in such a rush to write that I didn't even give it a title? If not, please read it now... I really did hit that publish button and close the browser window as quickly as I could, my heart racing just a little bit... Learning to take definitive action and not overthink things to death all the time! But in baby steps.

That action-taking is definitely something that I struggle with, that I need to work on actually doing more often. This is, I know, one of the major stumbling blocks I have to getting myself where I want to be.

I tend to work better under a deadline. Not that I like being under a deadline, mind you - I'd rather not have all that stress, my anxiety meter goes off the charts way too quickly to be comfortable working under the gun, so to speak, but I can't deny it's power as a motivator. Nothing like lighting a fire under my ass to actually get me off my procrastinating behind. I should probably look for a better way to motivate myself that's kinder to my nervous system, maybe by using one of Havi's techniques?

In lieu of any self-imposed deadlines, I haven't been painting much lately. Or collaging, at all. Until last week that is, when I was scrambling for a birthday present to give my mom, and I decided 3 days before the day to paint her something! An impossible task? Nearly so, I managed to finish a seascape for her (not in time for the day we celebrated her birthday, but it was in her hands before the actual day). And these pictures are it! Here's the finished piece, a 6 inch x 12 inch acrylic on panel:

I got so into this painting that I didn't want it to be done - so I carried the theme over to a mini-panel, this one is a tiny 3 inch x 3 inch piece. And I have lots of ideas floating around in my head for a series of paintings based on the lines in this one. Time permitting... and a fire to keep me going!

I'm gonna just say it here, I know bloggers are not really supposed to apologize for their lack of posts (because it's boring and nobody cares, etc.), but I am sorry that I've been so sporadic here with my posts, and even with thanking people for their comments, because that is not why I came to start a blog, after all! I wanted to get better at expressing myself, to find other people out here that I could "click" with, share some of my art and my journey trying to become a more creative person, and it's myself that I am really disappointing here.

Is it ok for me to mention how shy I am in real life? Somehow I thought that online would be easier (protection, right? being semi-invisible and all that). Thought for some reason, that I could talk about my issues without showing any vulnerabilities, like "oh here I had this problem, and I solved it, la-dee-da everything is perfect now". And I really didn't want to be pessimistic here as I am way too pessimistic in real life, and would like to change that - partially by being more positive in my writing here. Except, trying to be this way is actually inhibiting me from wanting to write anything at all.

And you know what? I'm really not doing myself or anybody else any good by trying to hide my imperfections and struggles, am I? Hell, I am shy and quirky and have a strange sense of humor sometimes and I should really own that, shouldn't I? Hey, I also get hurt really easily, have plenty of down days and think that the world could be doing a much better job of being the place where we all spend our days. Not sure where my thoughts are going with that, but it's all a part of what's in me. I am a multi-faceted person, just as I know that everybody out there are multi-faceted people, whether they realize it or not, and show it or not.

So tell me something, because I have this idea that despite all the self-help culture out there, it is still really hard for us to be and to show who we really are to everyone we meet. Tell me, do you find this to be true? Do you know anyone who unapologetically owns who they are, all the facets of their selves? Do you own your me-ness? Do you share the best of your best self only with those people you know really well and trust? Or are you, like me, still just learning who you really are and how to be authentic?

This has all been pretty stream-of-conscious for me, maybe all the journaling I've been doing lately is helping me with that. And so I am just going to post this, without really editing it (ok, other than correcting spelling because I hate to misspell), without giving myself the time to reflect or chicken out of saying anything I've typed out here, I'm gonna just hit Publish and be ok with it, imprefections and all....

I am a work in progress...

And lately I've been trying a little more to figure myself out. Have you heard of the 21.5.800 project started by Bindu Wiles? I'm not sure but I think it's just ended, in fact I heard of it a few days after it started and I've been doing the yoga and daily writing on my own - not online, not following along with anyone else who's participating. I hear people have been twittering it up, but I've been interested in the heart of it, the personal and internal practice of journaling and being aware of one's own movement.

The writing has been whatever was on my mind when I sat down at the page, so it's helped me work through some stuff and also shown me how much I normally avoid the stuff I need to work through. I wonder how many other people have discovered the same thing about themselves? About a week in, this freewriting was bringing up so much of my stuff that I cried every evening for three days straight - tears that have been held back for awhile because my normal modus operandi when upset is to distract myself so I don't have to think about it. Did you know writing it out when you're upset helps you get through the moment? I didn't, but I'm glad to say I know that now.

Maybe at some point some of the things I've written will be brought here to share with you all. Or perhaps new things I write, since I don't intend to stop. The yoga and writing have been cleansing for body and mind - and there is more work for me to do! But for now I'll leave you with a quote from one of Bindu's best posts from her writing for the project:

Let go. Believe in who you really are. Open up. Expand. Start the new chapter–both at the desk and inside your own mind.